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Lodestar: Chapter Three

January 30, 2019

Chapter 3


Saturday July 28th, 2018


I’m not a writer; never have been and never will be but Stephen told me that keeping a journal may help with my depression. Still, though, if Stephen says it works, I’ll give it a shot. He’s been in therapy for the past four years now, so if anyone has an idea what works and what doesn’t I guess it would be him. Personally, I think it’s all just bullshit. I love him to death but Stephen’s been paying hundreds of dollars on therapy and still seems like a nervous wreck all the time. Besides, I’m not depressed… just really fucking frustrated.


I’m not a writer but I always wanted to be on TV. When we were kids, Stephen and I used to play “Star Search.” I naturally forced Stephen to play Ed McMahon. When we turned eighteen, I convinced Stephen to move to LA with me. Those first few years were hard but Stephen did whatever it took to keep us going. He worked two or three jobs, slept little, ate little, but he believed in me more than mom or dad ever did. I joined theater groups, acting troupes, took improv classes, and did everything I could to end up on a stage. It’s where Jeremy and I first met. God, I miss that version of him.


Before “Trips” took off, Jeremy and I were… complicated. I guess we’ve always been complicated. Do you ever fall for someone knowing it will end badly? That’s my Jeremy. From the second I met him, I knew he would be trouble but I couldn’t help it. He was so driven and passionate. He fought for what he believed in and never sacrificed his artistic vision. It’s what cost him his theater scholarship and earned him the label “difficult to work with” in Los Angeles. That didn’t stop him though. I thought it made him inspiring and a true artist. Turns out he was just being a stubborn, self-centered asshole. Maybe that’s all he has ever been?


I don’t even know why I’m writing about him. After this season I’m done with “Trips.” I’ve been talking to Joseph and he agrees that it’s time for the show to have a spin-off. The medium character has enough potential to support its own show. I mean it’ll be a better show than “Trips” will ever be considering all the superhero movies and TV shows these days. A cute, spooky goth girl versus a douche bag who looks like a guy from Linkin Park? Yeah, if we don’t stomp “Trips” in the ratings I’ll be surprised. Starting next spring I’ll be filming my own show with my brother and we’ll both be far away from Jeremy and his bullshit. I need a good name for it… “Darkhomes” is what I’ve been experimenting with but I’m not totally sold on it. I really should have called myself “Raven Darkfeast” or something back before we did season one. There really isn’t much ominous about the name Stephanie Clifford. I have to push through five more tapings of “Trips” and I’m free.


Speaking of, we drove into this city Lodestar early this morning. Something delayed the flight from LA, we had a six-hour transfer, but we finally got here. All I wanted to do was go to my hotel room and crash for the next four to five days but, lo-and-behold, the town had a damn ticker tape parade for us. I mean, it made sense. Their mayor sent us dozens of emails over the past three seasons to film an episode in his little shit-hole town so I imagine he was pretty thrilled that we finally showed up. So after flying, driving, and waiting for hours we had a fucking unexpected three hour meet and greet.


I hate those. Well, no, I don’t. The fans are usually nice and I know Stephen’s face lights up when he gets to talk to them, but have you ever tried to pin on a wig and do eyeliner in a moving car? God, if I was a bitch then I can’t imagine the earful that Jeremy gave his agent for this. He’s better at playing his character than I am though. He can pull of that mysterious, calm and cool warlock shit while I come across as a massive bitch. Maybe that’s just the character I’m playing from this point on? Could work.

I’m finally in my hotel room now - The Harbor Hotel and Casino. I expected nothing this nice when I saw where this city was on the map. I figured we’d be in one of those quaint little bed and breakfasts where the host is a small old lady who has soap shaped like seashells in the bathroom. Honestly, this place could rival any hotel you find in Vegas. I don’t think there are many other people here though. Surprise, surprise, few people think a port city makes a great weekend getaway. We’re supposed to have dinner with the mayor and the owner of the hotel later this week. Hopefully that’s not a total bust. Those things usually just turn into a lot of mutual ass-kissing and I have little patience for that like Jeremy does.

I don’t understand what these people see in our show. I mean, I’ll keep cashing the checks but our fans are just… sad. Are people that desperate for something to believe in? All we do is wander around in the dark for three hours, pretending we see stuff, shouting at one another, and then the editors cut it up to make it seem like something exciting is going on. After three seasons you’d think people would figure out we will never have “proof” but they keep watching. Whatever. As long as the checks keep getting signed I don’t really care what they believe in.


Speaking of sad, we have our first round of interviews tomorrow and they look like they will be a trip. We met the first guy during the meet and greet. His name was Ollie something or other. He owns a local freak-show store and, boy, this guy is a nut job. Even the mayor was warning us to not let him go on too long or he’ll say something weird. Our fans will love this guy.


Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched? My hotel room looks out at the harbor but there is a smaller building between me and the water. Looks like some office building. Anyway, there is only one light on in the entire building and I see this guy in a black jacket sitting at a desk. He’s not, like, looking at me but I guess the giant window just makes me feel exposed. Well, just jinxed myself. He’s turned his chair and is looking up at my window. I can’t really make out his face but he’s just… staring at me now. He doesn't look ugly or anything. In fact, he is unremarkable because I have to keep looking out the window to remember what he looks like. I’ll close the curtain before I go to bed.


It’s getting late. I’ve not unpacked and I still need to wash off all the black lipstick and white powder from my face. Tomorrow Stephen and I will grab breakfast and talk about the spinoff. The beauty of being the mysterious, goth medium is that I look nothing like her without the black wig. So Stephen and I should be able to grab a bite to eat as long as he wears a baseball cap. Must be nice to be invisible just by putting on a hat.




Posted by Stephanie Clifford 07/29/2018 1:14 am


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